Take a Big Whiff

Smell that? That's the smell of a fresh new....Blog Design! Yay! I've been playing around with some new layouts and backgrounds, as well as new gadgets!      ---------------------->
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Honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing with all this web design stuff. In fact, the last time I played around with the layout of a web page was in 8th grade. MySpace.

Ok lets be honest, it was high school. But really, who wants to admit they had a MySpace page in High School? Not this girl...

Nonetheless, here it is! Its nothing fancy, but I must say, I am awfully proud of myself. So go ahead, tell me how good it looks. (Mom, this is where you step in, you're the best at acting like everything your daughters do is positively brilliant).

Happy Wednesday!

Are those butterflies or do I have to pee again?

Butterflies in my stomach, sweaty armpits, excited, nervous, proud, intimidated, exhilarated, fearful, am I sure I'm ready to share my story? After all, these are MY moments, MY thoughts, do I really want to put myself out there? What if no one likes it? Do I have to pee? 

This was my Sunday, all the way until 4 pm, when I went to my live audition for Listen To Your Mother. 

A few weeks ago I submitted an original piece to the show. I had received a call from my friend Misti, one of the producers, that I had made it to the live audition round! I was so excited, I could hardly stand it. And now, here I was, the day of the live audition and I was more nervous than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. 

The mister got me out of the house before my audition. We were determined to shake my jitters, and decided chips, queso, and cervezas would do the trick! We wanted to hit up some great local grub at Mamasita's. However, due to the kitchen being closed for The Lord's day, we ended up at Chili's instead. Normally I would have protested, but quite honestly my mind was elsewhere. J probably recognized that and took this opportunity to enjoy his fave- Chili con Queso. (I am quite certain it comes out of a can and could possibly be made at the same factory as Alpo, but like I said, I was too nervous to care!)

One Presidente Margarita. One Pacifico. Ready.

Smiling faces greeted me at the door, "Would you like some water, tea, coffee? How about a Girl Scout cookie?" All I could think was, is it too much to ask to bother you for a Xanax? Instead, I took the water...and a Girl Scout cookie...or three.

Three eager faces sat staring at me as I gathered my papers and thoughts at the podium. Misti's face was the only familiar one in the crowd, but I was quite certain making eye contact with her would induce either tears or inappropriate laughter. I tried to avoid it. 

All I really remember saying was something along the lines of, "So do you say go? Or do I say go? Does anyone say go? Or do I just go?"

They giggled. So I went.

The rest is sort of a blur. But at the end, I felt good. Scratch that, I felt great! I shared my story, they all laughed, Misti cried, and I felt silly for being so nervous. 

I hadn't been nervous to stand in front of strangers. I wasn't nervous to speak behind a podium. I have never had a problem with speaking in public or meeting new people. That wasn't it at all. I was nervous because the words being spoken, the stories I was sharing, they were ME, they represented ME. Its what I love about being a writer really. I love sharing myself with others through bits and pieces here and there. The difference is that usually my audience and I are separated by a screen, a notebook, at least a piece of paper. Not this time. 

That's the great thing about Listen To You Mother, the show is made of stories people have written, stories that are as close to their hearts as a diary entry. And there is nothing separating the author from the audience. No screen, no paper, just a podium.

Shocked, honored, elated, nervous, proud, this was my Sunday night after I got the phone call, I WAS IN! I couldn't be more thrilled to be a part of this cast, this national movement honoring mothers. On Sunday, May 5, at 2 pm, people will gather at Will Roger's Theater here in Oklahoma City to celebrate motherhood, and I will be a part of it. 

I can't wait to stand vulnerably behind the podium and share my story with you all. 

This link is for show info and to purchase tickets, go ahead click it, I really want you to.

The Silver Lining to Toxic Food

Well Spring Break is over. Bummer. It's back to the grind for this girl. I must say, it was awfully nice last week to be able to do HOUSEWORK! I didn't do nearly as much as I had wanted, nonetheless, I never thought I would have so much fun doing laundry and dishes! 

Work was great, somehow I ended up with a week full of lots of my favorite clients!

I even got to have a slumber party with my old roomie. Indie and I spent the day together Wednesday, just like old times. Funny movies, greasy food, even a facial piercing thrown in the mix!

Thursday night came around and J said he would take me on a date! We ended up at Pearl's Oyster Bar, one of my favorites. (Or it used to be anyway). We had more than a lovely dinner, a couple glasses of wine, the best gumbo ever (really, ever), endless conversation, and food poisoning. Yes, that's right. Food Poisoning.

It set in around 4 am. Long after my bedtime. I don't believe I've ever had food poisoning before, and I don't believe I'd ever like to have it again. 16 hours of pure misery. An $80 dinner down the toilet, literally. J left for work that morning (perfectly fine, I might add). 

This was the ONE time that he didn't eat off of my plate...I suppose he was trying to be mannerly for our date night. Usually he tries to sneak bites while I'm not looking, I don't share well. Anyhow, the ONE time he ate his OWN food, MY food is toxic. Great.

I spent the day running from laying on the couch to puking in the toilet, and occasionally just laying on the bathroom floor to avoid the long trip altogether. ABSOLUTE MISERY. The fever set in. 102. Then the chills, then the headache. UGH.

The silver lining to Friday was the realization that I am blessed with some wonderful women in my life. Their nurturing, care taking mentalities took over. Cathie brought me Pedialyte, Gerber rice cereal, and applesauce cups (which came in incredibly handy, who knew throwing up applesauce was far better than anything else!). Kelsey came by with an array of "voodoo medicine" from Whole foods, and butternut squash soup. Shortly after, I found a gift on my porch from Misti, tomato soup, saltine crackers, and a box set of Friday Night Lights. And all the day long Indira, Annika, my mother, my sister...they all put up with my constant moans and groans and did a wonderful job feeling sorry for me via texts and phone calls. 

I'll tell you what, if a girl's gotta get food poisoning, she better do it surrounded by her ladies! Otherwise, GOOD LUCK.

A New Perspective

You may have noticed its been quite some time since I published a blog post. Not because I was lacking in things to say, but because I was lacking pleasant things to say. Life got rough for a bit, frustrating and stressful.

Don't get me wrong, I wrote plenty of blogs in the last two weeks, just none that were worthy of publishing :).

But all of that has changed now.

The last weekend just so happens to rank in the top 3 weekends of my life. It was incredible. I became an aunt. I thought that I was ready for the little nugget. In fact, I have done nothing for the last 3 weeks other than talk about how ready I was for her to be here. Ready, I was not.

I was unprepared for how much I would love her. I was unprepared for the amount of pain I'd have to see my sister endure. 

I was completely unprepared for the desire I would have to make the world better- for her. 

I always hear people talk about a mother's love, how it's instant. I didn't expect that to happen as an aunt. Sure, I knew I would love her, (like her at the very least). But THIS. This kind of love. It's new.

Its incredible, it really is. It's like my sister has already laid the groundwork for Emma. I look at this baby, and I see my sister in her. And because I love Sara so much, I instantaneously love her too. 

This whole baby/birthing thing is pretty new to me. I told myself to be completely present, don't miss a thing, take it all in and remember every moment. I had no idea how hard that was going to be. The whole time my sister was in labor my brain couldn't help but play re-runs of our childhood.

While my sister laid in bed having monster contractions and whispering profanities, (yes whispering ....the woman is a champ), I was sitting at her feet, thinking about our imaginary worlds we grew up in, dancing around the house in puffy slips, and beating her up in the front yard.

And now, here she was, in the hospital, husband by her side. Ready to meet her daughter. 

After nearly 22 hours of labor, it was time for business. The whole crew waited in the hallway for 2 hours while my sister endured the most physically painful and exhausting experience of her life.

Finally. The hospital played Brahm's Lullaby over the loud speaker. She made it. She was here.

As I held her, and looked her in the eyes, I couldn't be anything but present. I don't think there was even a thought in my head. I just stared at her. Taking her in. Loving her. 

The last 2 weeks of frustrating life didn't matter. I had a whole new perspective. This is the important stuff. These are the moments that have purpose. In my film classes, I've learned a term called the "B Role." These are all the added shots that make up a movie. Without them, the movie still exists, the story line still makes sense, they just fill in the gaps.

The tests, the schedules, the stress, is all "B Role." Its part of life, but take it in stride.

My family, my friends, this baby, this love....that's the meat of the story. That's what I want my movie to be about. That's my new perspective.

I want to do it right.

Fear and guilt are funny things. They are motivators. They are suppliers. 

They drive things to get done.

But at what cost? I am so sick of having fear in my life. I am sick of watching fear take over the people that I love. Personally, I have given up on it. But I can feel my stomach churn every time I hear someone who is consumed by fear and guilt. More often than not, people don't even know that's what is driving them.

Here in the Bible Belt, the "perverted protestantism" of it all, is consumed by these things. Fear and Guilt. The drama of it wears on me. It's just too much.

People are afraid of sin, they are afraid to break the rules. Some are driven completely by guilt, to do more, to please more, to give more. 

What is wrong with that picture? Something is missing!

Where is the love? What would happen if people lived life in love? What if their decisions, conversations, and opinions were motivated by LOVE? Fear and love, guilt and love... cannot exist together. Fear closes you, Love opens you up. You absolutely can not have a healthy balance of the two. You must choose one or the other. And you have to choose. It IS a choice. 

The sad part is, most people living in fear don't even realize it. Fear disguises itself as love so easily. It wears the mask of love. It convinces your soul you are only afraid because you love so much. I used to live that way. 

The FEAR that someone you love will make a mistake. Why not love them so intensely that you understand mistakes need to be made. LOVE them so much that they have somewhere to fall after they mess up. LOVE them enough to let them live without fear.

Chances are, if you feel at some point or another that I am not responding to you, be it for an hour, a day, or longer- its because you came at me from a place of fear. And not of love. I will not be shut down by fear. I refuse.

I have spent too many years of my life afraid of doing something wrong, afraid of change, afraid of the unknown. For too long I lived with the subtle guilt that far too often comes in the Christian life. The quiet guilt that lies in the pit of your stomach. The guilt that is so sneaky and contrived you rarely even know its there. Its the worst kind. And if you allow it to become your conscience it will control you. 

The Christian road was not paved by guilt. It was paved by the promises of love. And peace. And comfort. And faith. Not fear.

"People are just plain doing it wrong," 

is something I have heard my dear friend Misti say on multiple occasions. 

I couldn't agree more. 

Fear is the opposite of peace, and guilt is the opposite of love. 

I am not of afraid of where I am in life, I do not feel guilty for the person I have been created to be. We are all wired differently, we all feel differently, we all live differently. No one is expected to be the same. No one should be afraid to be different, or feel guilty for taking their own paths.

Live freely in love, and there is absolutely positively no way you'll "be doin' it wrong."